Make Room For The Stuttering

Revisiting – What If?

Posted on: February 24, 2010

Being reflective today. I went back and looked at some of my earlier writings and poems. This one I wrote almost two years ago.

I felt like re-printing it today. It could have just as well been written yesterday.

Maybe I am starting to answer the question.

What if I don’t like the person I become?
What if I don’t like what’s left after all the layers are gone?
What if other people don’t like what is left of me?
Will I be even lonelier then?
Will I cry as much?
Will anyone else cry for me?
Will it hurt to peel the layers off?
What if there is nothing left of me that I have become used to?
What then? Will it be too late for me?

I want to be real, but what will that do to me?
I ask myself, how can it possibly get any worse.

The layers protect me. Can I protect myself?
Can I really do this?
I want to, but I am scared.
How will it feel? Will I feel?

Who will look back at me in the glass?
Will I be happy with my true self?
What will she sound like?
Will my true self have a soothing voice that others want to hear?
What will she look like?
Will she smile more?
Will I want to be with my true self?
Will I be happy being with my true self?
Because sometimes I am not happy being with myself now.
I find lots of things to do to avoid being with myself.

I don’t belief in my Self.
Will Self believe in me?
I want to press on and find out, but I am scared.
Why am I so scared?
Is it fear of what I will find?
What if there is no richness?
What if there is no one?
Will I find a kind soul, or is it too late?
Will I know what to do?
Will I know when I get there?
Will there be a “we”?
Who will I share my true self with?
I want to share her with someone.
Will anybody be there when I arrive?
Who will be waiting for her?

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2 Responses to "Revisiting – What If?"

Pam,
Did you write this poem? It is very reflective and deep. You are a wonderful writer. BTW-I hope you like the person you have become. I find you to be a person with many dimensions. You seem like a very honest and true person. Lori

Hey Lori.

Yep, I wrote this, almost two years ago. Its interesting to see that this piece was a forecast of things to come.
I write a lot. Before I started this blog, I wrote poems and reflections. I found I wanted some place for them to “be”.
Some of my earlier poems are the first posts in this blog, dating back to last February. I filed a whole bunch of posts at once. It was really just giving them a home.

Thanks – for a long time, I though writing was the only way I could express myself.

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