Posts Tagged ‘feelings about stuttering’
To Fear Or Not To Fear
Posted on: May 9, 2013
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Stuttering requires a degree of fearlessness. In order to stutter openly, at some point, we have to lose the fear we have of being made fun of, or laughed at, or getting “the look.”
For most of us, letting go of that fear is hard to do. The fear of stuttering may indeed be more debilitating than the actual stuttering is.
I can well remember how worried I would always be of other people’s reactions if I stuttered. It goes back to childhood – of my father yelling at me when I stuttered, of the teacher who reprimanded me for stuttering, as if I was doing it purposely.
Those early experiences made the fear intensify. I feared the negative reactions more than the stuttering. The stuttering came and went. My perception that people thought there was something wrong with me stayed.
Fear drove me to hide my stuttering for a very long time. Even after “coming out” a few years ago, I still have moments where I try to hide it, or realize that I unintentionally hid it.
In one of the stuttering groups on Facebook, fear has been a recent topic. It never ceases to amaze me how many people are dealing with their “firsts” with stuttering. First time talking about stuttering openly, first time confronting emotions, namely fear.
These days, myself and other “stuttering veterans” are in a position to share our past experiences and hopefully help others with their first attempts at owning their feelings and fears.
It’s never easy. In fact, fear never really goes away, does it?
Confident Radiance – Episode 102
Posted on: April 26, 2013
Episode 102 features Samantha Agan, who hails from the San Francisco Bay Area of California. Sam is originally from Philadelphia.
Sam is a full-time college student studying psychology and also works full-time as a care giver for the elderly. Sam is planning to pursue her Master’s degree in psychology, with a long-term career goal of forensic psychology.
Sam and I “met” on one of the online stuttering forums. She has been an active and positive contributor to the Stuttering Arena group on Facebook.
Listen in as we discuss all things stuttering – early speech therapy experiences, stuttering as a disability, self-esteem and confidence. Listen to the part where we talk about confidence and you’ll see where the title of this episode came from!
This was a great conversation. It was fun getting to know Samantha and getting to know the person behind our social media postings.
Be sure to leave comments for Samantha when you listen, or just let her know what a great job she did.
The podcast safe music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.
I’m Gonna Fight -Episode 98
Posted on: January 14, 2013
Episode 98 features Danielle W, who hails from the Bay area of California. Danielle is 17 years old and a senior in high school.
Danielle is currently applying to colleges, and hopes to double major in musical theater and either business or psychology.
As you will hear in our chat, Danielle is passionate about musical theater. We discuss how stuttering impacts Danielle when she performs, and what it’s been like for her on auditions.
Listen in as we also discuss family support, speech therapy and the need for a good sense of humor. Danielle is a fighter and doesn’t let her stuttering hold her back. “Just because someone hasn’t done it, doesn’t mean you can’t.”
Danielle is an inspiring young woman with a great attitude and outlook on life. It was such a honor to get to know her more. Danielle and I met at the FRIENDS conference last summer in Colorado.
Feel free to leave comments for Danielle in the comment section. Remember, feedback is a gift. Music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.
Falling Off A Cliff
Posted on: October 27, 2012
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What does the actual moment of stuttering feel like to you?
Yesterday in a training, we were talking about metaphors and the trainer was asking us to apply metaphors for things we were feeling.
We were then to dig deep to see if we could identify the feelings behind the metaphor we chose. No one volunteered, so I took a chance.
I shared that a common metaphor for me is that I often feel like I’ve fallen off a cliff and no one has even noticed. As this was a work training on change, everyone believed I was referring to a work situation. I was not. I was referring to how I sometimes feel when I get caught in a good stuttering block.
However, since it was change we were refferring to, I let the trainer dig deeper with me and allowed her to think it was a work issue. It could have been.
She asked how it feels when I fall off the cliff. I said it feels scary and helpless. She asked if there was anything that let me know I was about to fall of the cliff. I said anxiety usually triggered it.
She asked if I knew why I was falling. I said because I wasn’t in control. Everyone was believing this was a work situation. She asked what I could do to prevent the fall. I said I could talk to someone about how I feel before the anxiety tips me over the edge.
She asked what kept me from talking about the way I felt. I said it was fear of being laughed at. She asked who was my direct report. I told her the guys name – he was right in the room. She asked what could I do to feel comfortable talking with him.
I told her I felt comfortable talking with him – that wasn’t it. She kept pushing for me to dig. I didn’t want to admit I was talking about stuttering. She asked again what was I really afraid of, still thinking I was referring to work.
I finally surprised myself and said judgement. There, I had said it. I feel like I am falling off a cliff when blocking and I fear someone is negatively judging me.
But the metaphor surprisingly fit into a pretend work scenario too. I get anxious when I feel someone at work is judging me.
The trainer felt good that I had risked and shared and felt my colleagues had learned from my share. She encouraged us to dig deep when we are feeling the impact of change in our lives. And to use metaphors to help us dig deeper.
I thought long and hard after the training and was happy that I shared this metaphor that I often feel – even though I didn’t come out and directly say I was talking about stuttering. I didn’t have to – it still related to a general fear of judgement, which is a universal fear. We all want to be accepted and not seen as different from the norm.
What about you? How do you feel in the stuttering moment? Is there a metaphor you could use to describe that feeling?
Choosing Her Path – Episode 90
Posted on: August 6, 2012
Episode 90 features Briana Pipkin who was born and raised in Dallas, Texas. Briana is 21 years old and currently a senior at Lamar University in Beaumont, Texas. She is studying to become a speech language pathologist.
Briana decided to study speech language pathology after ruling out other career paths and remembering a positive experience she had as a child.
Listen in as we discuss stuttering choices, disclosure and fear of judgment.
We also discuss covert stuttering as it relates to choices and the responsibility of educating others so they know how to respond. We also talk about the rise of on-line stuttering forums and support groups.
Feel free to leave comments for either Briana or me in the below comment section.
The podcast safe music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.
Lying About Cause Of Stuttering
Posted on: June 7, 2012
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This is an interesting story that brings up the issues of shame regarding stuttering.
Stutterer and country singer Tim Poe auditioned for the reality TV show “America’s Got Talent” in Texas this past week. Before performing his song, his pre-interview showed him stuttering. So what, you might say.
Mr. Poe is a military veteran who claims he was injured in combat in Afghanistan and suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI.) He claims the stuttering is a result of the TBI.
Within 24 hours of his television audition, the media reported that Mr. Poe lied about being injured and that his stuttering was not the result of an injury, which would have made it neurogenic stuttering. It appears that Mr. Poe has indeed been a life-long stutterer and was so embarrassed that he felt he need to create an elaborate lie about his circumstances.
A lie that illustrates the shame of stuttering and a lie that illustrates disrespect to military veterans who have indeed been gravely injured.
I have heard of people who stutter who make up other reasons to explain stuttering, so they don’t have to admit or acknowledge the stuttering. People have coughed, cleared their throat, said they swallowed wrong, pretend to word switch.
Some people are so embarrassed and ashamed of their stuttering that they will do anything to hide it.
This example is extreme. What do you think?
His Courage Speaks Volumes
Posted on: June 3, 2012
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There was some discussion on one of the stuttering email groups about this young man’s choice to deliver a rap for his graduation speech.
A comment laments the fact that this kid, Colin, might give the impression to those that don’t stutter that he had no choice but to use a “trick” to deliver his graduation speech.
I applaud Colin’s very choice to take a risk and be innovative. It shows me that he did not let his stutter prevent him from participating in his graduation ceremony.
Saying It
Posted on: May 5, 2012
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Recently, a friend shared a favorite poem as the invocation at our Toastmasters meeting. She read “Saying It” by Phillip Booth. As I listened, the first lines really spoke to me.
Saying it. Trying to say it.
Not to answer to logic, but leaving our very lives open to how we have to hear ourselves say what we mean.
The first part of this poem could have been written about stuttering. That’s not why a fellow Toastmaster chose to share this at our meeting. She was no doubt relating to how we communicate and choose our words, as that is a focus in Toastmasters.
But I heard struggle, vulnerability, and guilt. I wasn’t just listening, I was relating and processing, on a deep, personal level.
Maybe other Toastmasters heard the same, for of course it’s not only stutterers who struggle with saying what they want to say.
As a person who stutters, those simple words – “Saying It” – struck such a chord with me. Sometimes we can’t say it, or don’t say it, or change what we were going to say.
We are afraid of what the struggle will look like as we try to say it, and how we, and our listeners, have to hear ourselves say what we mean. I know I have been afraid to just “say it.” I worry about what others will think, still.
And there are times when I really don’t like having to hear myself say what I mean.
What about you? What do you think?
Do People Think Of You?
Posted on: April 11, 2012
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Many of us in the stuttering community were happy to see stuttering realistically portrayed on the television show “What Would You Do?” On the April 6, 2012 show, there was a segment about a teenage girl who stutters trying to simply order in a local ice cream shop.
Actors were hired to make fun of her, mimic and bully her while she was speaking. The premise was to see if ordinary, unsuspecting people would stand up and confront the bullies. You can see what happened here.
This was one of the most realistic portrayals of stuttering in the media I have ever seen. Why? Because the young girl actually stutters. She wasn’t acting. And the bullying she faced, along with rude remarks and general impatience, are faced by people who stutter every day.
It was refreshing to see ordinary people come to her defense, and confronting the people bullying the person who stutters.
My question today: how many friends of yours came up to you and said they saw the show and thought of you? Does that happen?
I had at least 5 people mention to me they had seen the show, and asked if I had. They said they thought of me while watching it.
Is it because I stutter that people I know automatically think of me when they see this stuff? Apparently yes!
At work yesterday, one woman said she thought of me when watching it Friday night. She asked if I had seen it and had something like that (bullying) ever happened to me. Two other women said they had missed it. So we put on the video and all watched it together.
I asked them, lightheartedly, “do you guys always think of me when you see or hear something about stuttering?” They said, “YES.” I said, “Why?’ They said, “because you are so open about it.”
They then asked me if anything like that had ever happened to me. I shared the time a few years ago when a deli clerk made fun of me when I couldn’t say “ch-ch-ch-cheese.” The guy went on to say if I couldn’t say cheese, I’d have to take chicken wings.
My friends were shocked and asked me how I had reacted. I said I felt humiliated and didn’t do anything – left as quickly as I could and was in tears by the time I left the store. They said I should have called the manager and complained. It’s easier said than done. This happened with 3 people standing in line behind me. No one said anything or came to my defense.
Anyway, does this ever happen to you? Friends see or read something about stuttering and they mention it to you? Or cut the article out of a magazine and give it to you? 
What people are saying!